Sould For Christ

Lately I’ve been writing in a notebook that I tote around with me.  I love the intimacy that I feel when writing just for myself and God, where no other eyes can take a peek.  Don’t get me wrong, I love blogging here, when the mood strikes [lol], but writing in my notebook is rather freeing.  Sometimes we have things to say that we’d rather keep to ourselves, and I guess that’s how I’ve been feeling as of late.  I want freedom in my writing, I want the gift that God gave me to flourish and the only way that this can happen is if I write without constrictions.  I’m praying that God will lead my hands to write music, songs that will inspire, evoke emotions, and spring forth a hunger to seek God with all passion and fervor.

This is my desire.  I am so ready to take flight, you have no idea.

This mission.  My heart is in a whirlwind of excitement, totally losing itself in all the possibilities that can take place.  I can’t wait to land and step foot in Mendenhall, Mississippi. I am expecting God to move mightily.  I can’t wait to pour out all this love that I have been feeling so strongly in my heart. I want to embrace these people and show them God’s amazing love.  I want to serve them and be a shining light where there is darkness.  I want to bring God’s word to a place that is desolate, lost and undone.  I want to see transformation and healing where there is brokenness.  I just want to experience every single thing that God has planned for me, the others and the people there.  I am SO anxious, my toes are just about curling into little balls.  My stomach is in knots.  My soul is yearning to be awash in the works of the Lord.  Nothing else has occupied my thoughts as this has.

Also, FYI, I have raised ALL OF THE MONEY. Ain’t that something?  In just a little over a month or so, I raised 650.00.  Now tell me that isn’t God’s hand working!! I thank the people that donated online, offline and the people that bought from the fundraisers that we held.  I pray God’s blessing over them, Lord BLESS them in all areas of their life.  Physically, spiritually, emotionally, financially…EVERY AREA!! I thank those that have kept me in prayer as well, for prayer is what makes things happen.  Amen to that!!  I am so happy.  God has shown me to trust in Him and have faith [if even as small as a mustard seed] and He will make things happen!!!  He never fails me. NEVER.  Help me Lord, to never forget that.  In the midst of my fears and worries, help me to realize that YOU are God and nothing is impossible when it comes to you.

Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Yes Lord, all things work for the good when Your hand is in it.  I pray that your hand ALWAYS be in the mix of my life, be the CENTER of my life.  Cause when I lose focus and I stray and don’t keep my steps with you, that’s when I stumble and fall.  Thank you Lord for loving me.  I love you too, more than you can imagine, or well maybe you can imagine, but you know what I mean!! hehe.

Be with my church as well Lord, we need your hand to work in that place.  In Jesus name. Amen.

That is what I keep hearing and singing aloud in my head.  

It has taken me just a little while to get here and write about what happened to me (and my roommate) last Monday.  I guess it’s easier to tuck it away back in the recesses of the mind, because the thought of it all just gets you back into that emotional or stressful state that you’d rather not be in.

My apt caught on fire. 

I mean, the bedroom stuff was salvaged and the hallway stuff was ok (but not untouched by the smell of the smoke) and my shampoo and body wash from the bathroom was saved. 

The thing that I can’t shake off is the “out of my comfort zone” feeling, it keeps sucking away at me like a slug.    

I am just not feeling well right now.  I am ok, I promise that I am.  I am so thankful that everyone was ok, especially LUCY because she was INSIDE the apartment.  *sigh*  I’m just stressing out today.  

At least I do have a home to come home to, right?  The manager was able to move us into another vacant apartment, which I am ever so thankful for.

The stress is just not settling well with me at the moment.  I need to step back.  Breathe.  In. Out. In. Out.    

I don’t feel like dealing with life today. 

Lord, take over, PLEASE.  I feel like I’m clawing at the edge of your robe….Maybe this is what you want, maybe this feeling of “brokenness” is what you want me to feel right now.  Maybe you want me completely shattered so that you can place me back together again and leave behind the grime.  Maybe!? 

Do people from your past ever just pop into your mind?  Like, people that were once special and still ARE special but somehow you just lost touch.....

There was a time that Lucy and I would drive out to tijuana (mexico) right next to san diego, to see her cousin Carlos.  Oh my goodness, he was HEAVENLY. He was gorgeous...I mean, GORGEOUS!  I am NOT exaggerating.  He was a player type though...but he loved US.  I felt his love for us like to the depth of my heart.  We'd go visit him and he'd drop whatever he was doing to see us and hang out.  We got stopped by the police several times too!! LOL  We drove out to the beach....we sat in the sand and talked.  We drove fuuuuuuuuurrther into mexico, with the music blasting...it was such beautiful moments that we had with him.

Then we stopped going, and not for any particular reason either.  We just stopped....

I don't know.  I just thought of him right now.  Like, out of nowhere he JUMPED into my thoughts.  I have this gripping feeling in my heart for him.  I miss him terribly.  It's weird.  I just do. 

They say that when someone just comes into your thoughts you should pray for them, especially when it's an intense feeling.  So that is what I'm going to do...pray for Carlos and that he is doing great.  Please Lord, allow me to see him again sometime.  He WAS truly an awesome guy with a great heart underneath it all. :D

Who do you all remember in a loving way that is not in your life anymore?

Just been around blogging elsewhere.....but I do check in all the time!! LOL  I need to start writing here though....:D

Omg.  I want to share something so bad but, this is out in the open and I don’t know who may read.  I can’t stop thinking….of….it.  My heart is burning right now; I think the music that I am listening to isn’t helping any either.  I am not hurting, I just mean, the feelings inside me right now are soooo intense in a good way.  I can’t stop them, I can’t fight them, and I can’t help them.  I don’t care anymore, if someone comes across this and reads it, oh well.  It’s on them, this is my personal space and I will not hide what I want to say.  This is my therapy…my release.   

*Dreamy gaze* I don’t know what’s happening to me.  Some of you already read my other post over on the other journal, so you already have an idea.  My heart won’t stop its rapid pulse that occurs whenever I think of it.  I lay down on my bed and daydream, daydream of all the beautiful qualities.  You know what?  I learned something about myself.  I was superficial.  Really, I was.  So many times I would say, “Oh looks don’t matter, what really matters is the persons heart”, which I still firmly believe that the heart is important above all.  But…like, I was just focusing on the looks for a while there.  I’d look at someone and automatically be like, “Ew…”, but in my own head of course. Ok, sometimes I’d let it slip but still. Seriously, who am I to say that though?  They could have been the kindest person in the world for all I knew!!  I think God is teaching me another lesson here as well, don’t just focus on someone’s looks because you will miss out on the treasures that they have in all other areas.  It’s like hello! You better straighten up before you let some good guy pass you by.  This one particular one may not be for me, but I HAVE learned something from this experience that I will take with me for the rest of my life.  I always claimed to be “deep”, because I LOOOOOVE getting to know someone’s heart, the inner parts of a person, but somewhere along the way I let the superficial over exceed the importance of what to look for in a significant other.  I am now going to look beyond just the looks of a person, and diving head first into their heart.  Later on as you get to know them, you fall in love with EVERY part of them, including their looks.  You take time to study every part of their persona, but most importantly, man you get to know the real core of that person, the juicy and passionate stuff.  You know what I’m saying?  The talk gets so intense, it feels so good that it’s got your insides quivering and your eyes watering.  It’s so beautiful.  Beautiful I tell you. 

You know, are his looks going to be that good father to your child?  Are his looks the root of the love that he will have for you until you two are lil old hags?  Are his looks going to hold the family together?  Are his looks going to bring the food to the table and make him that hard worker that you desire him to be?  Are his looks what is important to GOD!????????????  HECK NO!!!!  Looks disappear as time drives along that highway of life, but the heart is what stays true and pure.  Yeah, the heart gets messed up sometimes, but hello, that’s why we have God to take care of that!!  He’s the big man, the mero mero honcho that takes care of our innards! LOL  See God created so many beautiful qualities in a man for a specific reason.  Of course so that He can be used by God but also so that He can be that awesome husband to his wife.  That’s what I want, I want a man that is perfectly designed by God for ME!!!  I want a MAN OF GOD!!!  A TRUE man of God…not no in betweens.  I want a man that will do RIGHT!!!!!  That’s what I want, cause then I KNOW that we will be blessed.  AMEN!! 

I am learning to fall in love with the actual person first, not just the looks, and you know what?  I PREFER IT THAT WAY!!!!!!!

Good morning!  Omg, I am so tired!!  Another Monday, another day…but hey!!  I am still alive, I got my toes, my fingers, eyes to see, a mouth to speak and ears to be nosey (hehe).  So, maybe I should change it a bit and say…ANOTHER BLESSED DAY!!!  Cause hello, we ARE blessed just to be here and able to get in our cars to get to work.  Really man, there are other people that may have to WALK to work or walk to LOOK for a job because they can’t afford a vehicle, much less buss fair.  We have a home to nestle our pretty little heads in and food to stuff our mouths with.  So come on…let’s make the best of today!!  I think, no, I KNOW that I will.  I’m tired of complaining like always….”I’m tired…I’m sleepy…” blah blah blah blah BLAH!!  LOL!  Self, shut up already!  It’s time to just tackle the world and be HAPPY!!  I like that, better than being a snot faaaace, yes just like fred says it in drop dead fred.  That’s MY movie, dontchya know.

Anyways.  The wedding.  I still did not have anything to wear until the VERY LAST minute, and guess who came to the rescue!?  My daddy.  Yes, it was like pulling teeth, but he still took me to get an outfit.  Gosh, I feel like such a little girl saying that…”My daddy took me to buy some clothes!!”  LOL.  Eh, whatever.  I am just broker than broke…so, I needed my papi’s help. 

So, I of course went to torrid and chose a simple black dress.  It was cute though!!  I got some leggings for underneath as well, and bought some gold (not really gold of course) bangles.  I also wore a gold necklace, it was really pretty and sophisticated like.  Oh and I also used my copper type of color pumps, I love those things, they make my legs look so sexy!! LOL!!  I feel pretty in them.  I did get compliments, so, I felt good about myself.  Just so you all know, I am NOT a very fashionable type of girl, or expensive or the type to dress up much.  I would like to, but, I get SHY.  Ain’t that wierd?  I’m shy to draw attention to myself, I hate it, because everytime I dress up someone always has to say something sweet.  I used to have a hard time receiving compliments, still do kinda, but I’m getting better at it.  I just can’t help but get giggly, with my hands behind my back and you know….I dunno!! Eh!!  You know what I mean!!  But yeah, I think I looked pretty.  Unfortunately I did not get any photos of myself but….maybe I will wear it again sometime and I’ll take pics so you can see. 

The wedding itself was beautiful!!  I loved the bright pink flowers at the reception.  GORGEOUS!  The ceremony was so nice, and I LOOOOVEED the background music.  All worship songs to the Lord!  Wow, loved it.  I kept daydreaming how MY wedding day would be….I can’t wait!!  I better have my horse and carriage, I don’t care what anybody says!! LMBO!!  So yeah, I had fun and got home at like 12:30.  Loooong and wonderful night!

So now on to Sunday!  Woke up all tired the next day but still got to church and early at that!!  Praise God, thank you Jesus!  Man, can I just brag on my Pastor for a bit?  I love that man!!!!!!  I mean, never is there a boring moment with him!  He is not stiff or all reserved, but he is passionate and FUNNY!!  I love how he is just so..reaaaaal.  He is amazing, and you know what, God couldn’t have chosen a better Pastor for ME!! Hehe!  I have grown so attached, although it’s not like he and I hang out and are “buddy buddy”, but like my heart is just so drawn to him and can’t help but love him with every piece of me!!  I wish I had a grandpa like him or father like him, that would make my world so bright. BUT!!  I am not complaining though, because God gave me my parents just as they are for a reason and He DOES have a plan and purpose for them, it’s just all in His timing.  I know it because I just know it…and it’s someone always giving me a word about it. 

So after church, finally, I went to my cell group (bible study).  I have been needing it for a while now!  I think we didn’t have it for like 3 weeks and boy does it really affect me!  It was sooo good yesterday.  Danny had a question for us, a pretty deep one at that.  I believe it was something to the effect of, “Why do you think God took you out of where you were at, and has you where you are at now.  What purpose do you think God has for you, what has He called you to?”

I was kind of stuck at first, and let others go before me.  As everyone was speaking, I got all hot inside and anxious to speak.  I got nervous for some reason, because I was about to expose a peice of me that is really personal.  But you know what, sometimes it’s ok to unlock your heart and lay it before others, but always with people that you can TRUST.  Like it says in the bible, don’t throw your pearls to the pigs!!  Watch who you share your heart with, always. 

Ok ok, but anyways.  So finally, I raised my hand all shy style, and plus I was sitting at the table in the back.  So like, everyone turned around and just stared.  I didn’t really LOOK at anyone though, I was too busy trying to figure out my feelings and what I was going to say.  I got really emotional you guys, like my heart quivered and trembled in it’s nakedness.  I started off saying how I am in a point in my life where I kind of feel stuck.  Like, God has brought me sooooo far but yet, I know that He has something bigger, something more.  I shared with them something that my little glo glo had confided in me the other day.  She told me, “Frannie, arlette and I were talking the other day and she was saying…yeaah, I don’t know what’s up with frannie.  She has such an anointing in her but she is afraid…I don’t know what she is so afraid of.”

You know, that really hit me as I laid there on the sofa with glo on the opposite side.  I was like, wow that’s so true.  So I shared that with the cell, and I got choked up.  I told them, I KNOW that I want to be a writer but, like, I don’t know the exact steps in how to get there.  Like, I have the passion but…it’s almost like I’m afraid.  I told them how I want to please God soo much, but then on the other hand I want to make people HAPPY.  See, that’s my problem.  I am SO afraid of people, in the sense that they won’t like me or hate me because I said something wrong to them.  It’s like a crippling fear that takes a hold of my heart when I am put in that situation.  Sometimes I feel it so strongly to say a word to someone, or share the Gospel, or God or PRAY for them….and the fear supercedes the desire to go and do that.  It’s not like I want to please them more than I do God, and I don’t have any problem WHATSOEVER sharing that I believe in God…it’s just the fear of people not liking what I say.  I hate hurting people, I hate having someone not like me.

And really, why should I care right?  I mean, I should to an extent but not to the point where it rules me.  I have to be honest, sometimes it DOES rule me and I HATE that.  I get so mad at myself and my heart crumbles into ashes when I am not obedient to something that God places in my heart to do.  There are times that I DO obey and wow, the feeling is marvelous, because I just know that in that moment God is smiling down at me….and I LOVE pleasing God.  So I shared this with them…through gushes of tears.  I let them know that I just want to do anything that I do for GOD’S honor and glory.  Not my own, I want ALL that God has for me.  

I just don’t want that fear, because duh in timothy it even says that God did not give us a spirit of fear or timidity.  So my prayer is, Lord, please help me with this fear and intimidation.  Help me believe in myself and see myself succeeding.  I AM smart, I AM intelligent, I AM that mighty woman of God that I desire to be!!!! I AM!! I AM!! I AM!!!!!!

AMEN!!!!!!